Dating....well trying to

What's classed as dating and how do you date?

In this day and age the young generation of 20- somethings have completed changed the game of courting. Gone are the days were you would send romantic love letters to the one who makes your heart skip a beat and becoming official after your fifth date. Skip a few decades and welcome Tinder, Grindr and internet dating. How does one get around meeting Mr/Mrs right? How do we know if they even want the same thing out of a relationship as you and how do you even know that they are real and not a fake account created by a lonely 55 year old  who smells like stale cider.

You would think you could just ask them right?... wrong! For the majority of today's generation of 20-somethings seem to be terrified of truly committing in a relationship or labelling it. Most of us being stuck in the situation of 'talking' to someone, but what does that even mean? It's like we have created a new step that fits between a new friend and any dating commitments at all. But how do you go through this 'talking' stage successfully and how do you know you're doing it right? And how many guys can you talk to before it's classed as cheating? And how much do you reveal of yourself when 'talking' to someone?! I have so many questions I need answers to as courting has become such a complex affair! God help me!!

Yes I am single and caught in the trap that is this annoying 'talking' stage. How many people am I talking to? Around 5...is that too much? How many of them do I think I'd still be talking to next week? Probably about 2 or 3. Spending about two years on tinder and other free dating apps have become boring and my head and thumb have started to think if i am indeed too fussy! Dont get me I don't have a que of guys queuing up to talk to me and have a chance to worm their way into my love life but I've had more than a few chances to turn it into something 'official'. So am I asking for too much? Or am I just too old for my time and simply an old soul wanting, a simple 'boyfriend, girlfriend' relationship after a few dates? I will keep you updated on how I'm going on finding my Mr right for now.... probably only one what seems promising but we'll see. Maybe I'll try and do an experiment on how to get a guy in 20 days as 10 days aren't long enough! Or something..

Scars To Your Beautiful

Life's Harsh Realities: Pressure, Moulds and Mental Health.

I think we can all agree that we have experienced or are experiencing the heavy weight of pressure that society places on our shoulders. We are taught in schools that we have to live for our careers, working hard to become successful and have an easy life. But does that really sound like an easy way to live? I mean think about we are all individuals, different and unique in our own ways. Some may have talents that others don't behold, some might see others individuality as beauty as some will see it  as something displeasing. Yet we are all put in the same system and given the same teaching on how we are supposed to live our life's....but what if it didn't go to plan?

I watch as my younger brother (now in his 2nd year in secondary school) and I see the pressure that his school is already putting on him about his future. Don't get me wrong, the world is a big place. Filled with opportunities and experiences, but to tell young children that the only way to live an 'successful' life is to have an successful career. They may not be phrasing it as I am but the message is still there. I remember being 16 years old and really struggling on deciding what topics to choose for my GCSE's and thinking about it, I had difficulty in seeing where I would be in 4 years time let alone what I'd be spending my life working towards until the government said I'm at the age to retire!

You may be wondering why am I even writing this (it's not very Bridget Jones but I promise you the next post will be!) but I'm going to touch on a serious topic. One serious to me and I'm sure to other 20-somethings reading this. Our minds are fragile, so to think of what you want to spend the rest of your days doing but more importantly fulfilling an 'successful' time on this planet can be frightening. You start to question yourself, trying to figure out who you are and how you will leave your mark on this world. You may strive for an successful lifestyle to give you purpose, meaning or maybe to stop your parents from nagging at you. If that's the case.. what happens if it doesn't go to plan and end up on an completely different walk of life? Are we seen and judged upon that we are living without a purpose, or almost worthless.

Thoughts or judgements like that can have a big effect on our mental health, which can cause some turbulence along your way. Either way we are young and have today and the next to be able to achieve the goals we want to. But that doesn't mean everyone will have that reaction to falling off your path or that your brain is strong enough to carry any more pressure society is feeding us. This can cause Anxiety, Stress, Depression, low Self-esteem/worth, suicidal thoughts or Self harm. All of which I am dealing with. I'm not perfect, I'm human so it's not possible for me to. Knowing so why do I put so much pressure on myself? To be honest with you, my life isn't going how I planned, how I was told it's meant to be. I'm 21 years old, I can't drive, I'm nearing to the end of a Degree or even in the process of getting one. So am I worth living.... yes! Yet as much as I try to believe it I can't.

Depression snuck up onto me and changed my life, I'm still suffering with it but I'm also here to live another day. The only way I can describe my experience with depression is that it's like a fog of darkness slowly filling your body and corrupting your brain, Just leaving a pinch of your old self to stand by and watch. Watch as you try and mostly fail to get the energy to get out of bed, watch as everyday it gets harder to put a smile on your face or a happy tone to your voice. It's hard. My anxiety reminds me that I'm no where close to where I want to be in life but then my depression tells me not to bother try working towards it as I don't deserve it. I'm a good person, I know I am. My friends may describe me as the joker and full of life, when really I feel the complete opposite. I never vocalise it, only two people in my life know how bad my depression is. My mood swings are tiring and constant. In my darkest day I would use self harm as punishment but also a way to prove I wasn't completely numb to my emotions and feelings, yet it never worked or proved anything. Just left another scar on my thigh. 

Why now am I saying this for all to see? Because I feel as though 2017 is the year to finally look at mental health and how it affects us as individuals. Including us young ones trying to reach our goals. So as I'm on this journey of becoming an adult, I consistently remind myself that there is no rush and that some things aren't worth worrying about.

For those who can relate, you're doing great and there is absolutely no reason to worry. You were able to say you got out of bed to live another day. You're strong, beautiful and worthy of being here! Come on let's do this journey together! I'm going to need the help!🙈

Everything French!

What better place to start than France?!

See I told you it wouldn't be long until you would see that I'm obsessed France!🙈 I don't know

 what it is but something about being surrounded by the France culture just makes me feel warm..

Like I'm at home. Baring in mind this is my fourth visit to France, I never seem to get tired of it. Something keeps pulling me back, calling me round every new corner and tempting me to every new adventure I can find. 

Just hearing the language being spoken around me, makes me feel as if I'm in some kind of TV drama, eavesdroppping on the latest scandal! Even though I can only understand the basics, it still thrills me to hear. I think its more of not knowing what's going on around me.   enticement of knowing that there is so much to learn and see but also answers to questions I'm yet to ask. 

As I step out onto the pebbled streets of Versailles (yes I'm here again!) I could almost taste the faint fragrant of love in the air. I automatically feel filled with joy and excitement.

I'm accompanied with my mother and our colleague, we used the excuse that we were going for out 'works Christmas outing' a very belated one to say the least but the wait was worth waiting for. We planned to go the Chateau du Versailles again as our collegue had never been and it's such a beautiful place! It would be a mistake not to go and see.

Luckily The Chateau Du Versailles offer free entry to those under the age of 26 years old and who are citizens of the EU! So we took full advantage....apart from my mother, but the price was only 14€ And for what it's worth, that's a bargain. ( tour of the whole palace, gardens and Marie Antionette's Estate). Palace was gorgeous inside and out. When you first approach the palace you are welcomed by giant gold gates (and a lot of tourist). Every room that you walked into had different interiors but somehow the room that followed after was as beautiful as the last! We gazed at the beautiful portraits, that looked like they were painted only yesterday and walked into The Halls of Mirrors which made me burst into song, singing "Tales as old as Time, Tune as Old as Song" (yes I actually did) as I walked under the chandeliers. We came across a merchandise trolley and I instantly brought the Marie Antoinette music box I regrettedly didn't buy on my first visit. We then stopped at the restaurant that is located on the top floor of the palace and had something to eat. Me and my colleague had a sandwich each and my mum had a slice of quiche accompanied with white wine. 

Later on in the Evening we decided to go to a restaurant by the Eiffel Tower, so we could watch the light show that plays every hour, whilst winning and dinning. We took an Uber to the Eiffel Tower from our hotel which was surprisingly quick and cheap! Unfortunately he literally dropped us at the Eiffel Tower which meant that the closest restaurant to us was round the block. It was a lovely restaurant and our waiter was very amusing, being patient with us as we done our orders in French.

After we finsished our meals and drinks. We headed out to walk to the Eiffel Tower. As doing  so my colleague noticed an abandoned rose on the road. We acted out a scene of events together on how we thought the Rose couldn't ended up on the road. We acted as a couple, me the male apologising profusely to my colleague and her dramatically flinging a pretend rose on the floor and storming off. This isn't classed as a childish act right?...Adults do this too?

Having being in the city of love it would be rude to ignore the kind guesture that Paris had offered has, even if it was on the road. As we walked round the block, rose in hand. We studied the Eiffel Tower, it getting bigger the closest we got to her.  We only had a few minutes until the last the light show started so we decided the cross the street to get a better look. As we waitied in excitement, the light show began. It was more beautiful than I could even imagine! The show lasted around five minutes, but that was too short. I stared with big eyes eager to catch every single detail, mesmerised as we watch the patterns of the light change.

Once it finished and we were happy with the photos and videos that we had taken we decided to go back to the hotel and hit the hay.

In the morning we packed our bags and headed back onto the streets, greeted by the birds singing a happy song. We walked into the market square, on the look out to find a place to eat. We gazed in awe as we pasted an bridal store with beautiful dresses on window display. We turned a corner and was blessed with the smell of crepes and waffles. We decided to go into a small Café which seemed responsible for the smell.

We were shown to our a table by a GORGEOUS waiter and given some menus. As we were deciding on what to eat, we saw that they had a breakfast offer for 8.50€ which included a crepe filled with cheese and ham, a crepe filled with Nutella and a coffee!! My mum and colleague decided to order that whilst I decided to have just to nutella crepe along with a hot chocolate. To say I was green with envy when our plates  arrived is an understatement! The crepes that were filled with melted cheese and ham looked divine! The hot waiter placed my crepe down infront of me and suddenly all was well again. I studied his face in the short moments I was graced and wondered why British men (the ones mainly in Brighton) missed out on the Hot gene that the French carry. Smiling as I took the plate from him realising that he probably thought I was right idiot. Or whatever a twit is in french!

Embracing the pig that I am, I declared that I was still hungry after finishing my crepe. Whilst mum and my colleague were still eating their first crepe i decided that it would be wise to nurse my  incredibly smooth hot chocolate. I do not know how french woman stay so thin! Their hot chocolate is literally melted chocolate! I thought I had died and gone to heaven as it touched my lips. In doing so I glanced at my plate... yep still empty, definitely not in heaven. 

The waiter came back to take our empty plates and replaced mum's and my colleague's with their second crepe. Meanwhile i tried to ignore my ovaries screaming at me telling me to move to France  quick and sharp! Mum and my colleague was kind enough to offer me some of their crepes, which I definitely answered back with a quick yes please!

30 minutes later and we're on our way to the airport in our private car (because we are V.I.Ps). Not quite ready to say Au revior to Paris we stared out the windows, making the most of the Parisian scenery. 

Getting through security in the airports are always a bummer, as I load my bag and belongings onto a tray. The guard at the machine told me to take my boots off before going through the detector in an very attractive french accent. As I wanted to be quick and not make this process any longer, I decided to take my knee high suede boots off whilst standing..bad idea! As I tried my best to not look like Bambi, the guard thought it was a great time for a conversation. Questioning me on my height and if I played any sports. I gave quick answers, slightly embarrassed by how bad my balance is.

After getting through security we went to sit at a nearby resturant. Feeling slightly peckish we all went up individually to get something to eat before returning back to our table. As I happily munched on a cranberry and broccoli quinoa salad (hopefully it makes up for the crepes I devoured) my mum told me to look to my left. 

SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!

Just as I thought my eyes couldnt be blessed with anymore attractive men. A pilot who resembled a young Leonardo Dicaprio in the film "Catch Me I You Can" and a group of hostesses walked passed. Dropping my fork I picked up my phone, attempting to catch this moment. I went on to Snapchat and tried to capture the beauty but failed miserably.

Sheepishly I put my phone down and finished my mouthful.

Lessons learnt today: My future Husband is definitely located in France...somewhere, always be prepared to face God's beautiful creatures (which are handsome men) and to use tinder more when in france!

What makes a Woman?

As I enter Adulthood, am I truly a woman?

So I've technically been an Adult for 3 months and 1 day. After the celebrations and and the candles have been blown out, being 21 years old isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 I'm not complaining as I celebrated my birthday in Paris, Venice and New York all in the space of a week and a half! Yes I know, it was great! I didn't know that it was all planned I thought I was spending the week in Paris. What I was more than happy with, as you'll come to find later on is that I L.O.V.E France and everything French..... Especially the guys!  

My first day of being 21 started in the beautiful Versailles, the morning spent strolling through the Chateau of Versailles and ended having a late lunch in Venice by the Rialto bridge. If only the start of all my responsibilities started this good! 

So what's new? Nothing for the first 2 weeks! But shortly after I bounced back into reality, I came to realise that my Life plan that I constructed at the age of 13 ( Yes just remember now that I told you I'm ahead of my time/ an old soul) had completely gone of the rails about 8 years ago. The younger version of 'me'  that stated that adult 'me' would be at least 3 years deep into a career that she would love, and by the age of 22 years old she would have her first child. Then noting that she would be happily married, with a family house that she brought and have a Cat called Duchess and a Puppy called Scruff. 

Yes I know I had to try and hold back a giggle or two in, whilst typing that. All of  my expectiotions that I had set were no where near to completed or close to being in process. Thinking about it, it could be nothing more opposite to the life that I call reality at all! Not that I am even near ready to become a mother and even if I was I would need to have a partner to have sexual relations with and he is playing hide and seek at the moment....really well, it is rather annoying. Being single is in this day in ages is no fun and far from simple!

 So here I am now writing this blog, deciding to take control of my life! (Which definitely is easier said than done), finding out what being a woman takes and finally kicking expectations butt!. Feel free to follow me as I embarrass myself in the process, trying to follow what love and life itself of a woman really means! Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!